aktarian

I have to admit that these past few days very really something. But the important thing we have to remember is that all ended well and nobody’s head ended up on a pike. OK, I’ll admit, I may have gone a bit overboard but it’s not as if all of it was my fault. I mean honestly, a demon can only take so much rejection before she snaps and does something foolish, right? But in the end my persistence paid off and me and Ben are back together. I feel Sock was not completely comfortable with it but it’s Ben who counts more. He is forgiving but I feel that things have to change between us. I have to try to be better demon for him or who knows where we’ll end up.

Demons can change, and not just our appearance. I guess I didn’t mention I got in touch with some other members of resistance. No, I wasn’t trying to get to Sam, I’m past that, but sometimes you need your own kind around, so you don’t have to constantly watch what you do and say and send people running. Either screaming away or after you with lit torches. From what I heard the resistance topside was practically wiped out some times back. It seems they tried to get Sam to call Devil and try to kill him but it went wrong. Not sure of the details but from what I gather Devil was up to his old tricks and tricked them, then killed most of the demons that tried to kill him. But seriously, what do you expect? He launched his own rebellion back in the day so of course he would be on the lookout for something similar directed at him.

But I digress. I tried to keep a low profile since coming topside so I steered clear of rebels, so Devil wouldn’t find me. But right now I really had no choice. My place burned down, thanks to Sock and his stupid contraption, and I had no place to stay. So I went to see Tony, a rebel I knew, to see if he had a spare beam from which I could hang until I get sorted out. I turned out he had and was willing to let me use it for a while. Well, it was good, I have to say that. He was a great cook, I guess spending so much time topside does have it’s benefits.

But that wasn’t all I learned there. He claimed that his friend ascended to Heaven and appeared to him later as an angel. Well, far from me to argue with the guy who was letting me stay at his place but that did seem a bit much and hard to believe. Steve, that was Tony’s friend, was there when Rebellion (the original one, that is), broke out. And he picked the loosing side as well. And while God is forgiving and all I seriously doubt his forgiveness goes that far. Specially to our kind, who were created to serve Him in all matters. But Tony did believe it and he had quite a following as well, surviving rebels (against Devil, that is) by the look of it.

But whether it was true or not Tony claimed believing it made him a better demon, and I don’t mean improving disembowelment moves. They tried to emulate Steve, hoping to gain entry into Heaven that way. Well, they might succeed but I figured it was a long shot. Don’t get me wrong, I did find some of their philosophy appealing, specially the part about improving yourself and casting away the things humans think are evil. But my motives were mostly trying to improve relations with Ben, not trying to get into Heaven.

Now, if you expect me to get all charitable you would be wrong. I figured best path to improvement was to start working on myself. As Tony had more experience in such matters he was a great help. But still, the work was hard but I knew what lies ahead. So I clenched my fangs and followed his instructions. This thing called meditation really helped, you know. It allows you to focus on yourself, to try to find the good parts and work on them, to make them grow. But luckily that wasn’t all we did. No, not that, he wasn’t into female demons. Despite all the talk about being good, about renouncing evil we didn’t become completely non-violent. Sam wasn’t only Devil’s kid around, not by a long shot. Part of being good was finding them and killing them. So I guess the original spirit of rebellion lived on, only that we weren’t trying to overthrow Devil but prevent him from taking over the Earth. Whether humans deserve saving or not is another question.

So after some time I felt ready to move on. Ben was really helpful during this time. He stood by me when I needed him and was really thrilled with the progress I was making. And then he offered that I move in with him and guys. I thought about it and figured it might be a good idea. To see how much progress I really made and whether I could live among humans once again. But that didn’t mean I forgot the other part of sessions with Tony. In fact that gave me focus and a goal. Rumors had it Devil’s son was living nearby and when found we would move against him.Until then I figured I could enjoy some quality time with Ben.

So there I was, staying at the barn and plotting my revenge on Ben. Yes, I was serious about making him miserable. Hey, he broke up with me and if he thought he’ll get away with it without consequences he was wrong. So I did what anybody in my place would do, I stalked him to see when would be best time to make my move. I knew his work routine pretty well by now so I hid in the store he was working one night, waiting to catch him alone. Didn’t want any witnesses. And humans freak out more when they are alone, specially in the dark, just what I wanted.

So I climbed on some high shelves and waited for him then threw a big, heavy box in front of him. No, I didn’t try to hit him, just wanted to scare him. That didn’t work quite as planned though. Instead of being scared he got mad. Telling me to stay away, to take it easy, to calm down. I had to throw some more things at him before he ran away. I gave him some lead, just to get his hopes up, then followed him. He locked the door behind him, as if that will keep me out. I knocked them down with little effort. Now he was getting really scared. He tried to divert my attention, bringing up good times. As if that will help. It just reminded me what a good thing we had and I got even angrier. So I threw them down loading ramp. It wasn’t high enough to hurt him or anything, just give him a bruise or two. Then I left.

I gave Ben some time to cool, for the fear to creep in. It’s more effective if you leave people alone for a few days, then come back in full force, just as they think it’s over. I followed him and decided to make my move when he was in his car. I landed on his roof, then jumped down on the hood, looking as scary as possible. That didn’t work quite as planned though. He wasn’t freaking out. So I did next logical thing, I busted his windshield and started growling at him. Oddly enough that failed to produce any result beside him turning on the radio. Well, the music was bad so I guess it was some kind of torture for him but not nearly enough. I tried something even more drastic and started slashing around with my tail. Imagine my surprise at the lack of reaction. Now that was getting ridiculous so I decided it would be best for me to leave. And I did, flew back to my barn to think things over.

Clearly trying to scare Ben wasn’t working so I thought I should see how things stood between us and talk to Ben directly. And apologize if needed. In my human form, thank you very much. I visited Ben at work but didn’t get the chance to talk to him. Sock kept interfering, getting between me and Ben. But I saw Ben didn’t hate me and was really happy to see me. Sock was clearly the problem and if I wanted to get back with Ben Sock would have to be dealt with. If it weren’t for him me and Ben would be back together. Seriously, what was his problem? Couldn’t he see me and Ben belong together?

Now the question was how to get him out of the way. Back in the days it would be simple, swoop in and remove an organ he couldn’t live without. Now it’s more complicated. For one people are less tolerant for bodies lying around. For two Ben might not like it, and seeing how me scaring his grandmother into heart attack broke us up I didn’t think me killing his friend would help us get together. Luckily we demons are supernatural beings and have all sorts of powers humans don’t. Like getting into people’s dreams. I guess it’s an ability we got when we were still angels and needed to bring God’s messages to people in their dreams. So I decided to try this and make Sock so afraid of me he wouldn’t dare to do anything. The problem is that dreams are fluid and people can set the pace somewhat. I changed my appearance a bit as well, just to make things more interesting. Sock was resisting though. I guess he had a lot of experience with dreaming and sleeping. I even tried to get a reaction from him by appearing in my underwear but failed. So I decided on a dramatic end, make him believe I ripped out his heart. Seemed somewhat classier than tearing his head off and swallowing it whole. I sensed he woke up right after so I guess it was a big shock for him. Just what I wanted.

I was convinced that this will work and he will stay away and not try to prevent me and Ben getting back together. So imagine my surprise when next day I came to the barn and found him and Ben there, spraying gasoline all over the place. Well, clearly they were intend on burning the place down. I mean seriously, what is with people and fire, huh? Don’t they know demons need a roof over our heads and a place to hang from when we sleep? Or is it that they just don’t care? Do we go around setting their homes on fire like some crazy dragons? The only good thing about the whole situation was that Ben was clearly not comfortable with what they were doing. He seemed almost embarrassed and sorry. OK, I admit, maybe I have reacted a bit too strongly about our breakup but it’s not as if people got killed, right? Anyway, Ben was really sorry for how he reacted and apologized. Well, I had to drive the point a bit, just to make him feel more sorry. Sock wasn’t comfortable with it though, I could tell. So I wasn’t only one whose plans did turn out as well as hoped for. But Ben managed to convince him to forget what I did to him. It seems I’m not only one who likes his eyes. Well, things were turning out very well until they ignited the gasoline with their contraption. Fire then quickly spread and whole place went up in flames. Now I don’t mind fire, I’m a demon after all. But I knew I had to make them feel guilty about what they did so I acted all scared and shocked. Which made me realize I was left without a place to stay and that wasn’t good at all.

OK, OK, I know I said I’m looking for a sensitive guy and not some macho idiot full of himself, but the problem with wishes is that you sometimes get what you ask for. Yes, Ben is a sensitive, nice, considerate guy, but he can be too much of that. The other night I wanted to surprise him and spend a romantic evening with him. I brought some food, human food!, hoping to watch some TV and go flying later. He seems to like doing that now and doesn’t even scream that much anymore. But I knew something was not right as soon as I got there. He was all set up to go out and it obviously wasn’t planning to go out with me, as he was surprised to see me. And not surprised in a good way! He had some family thing to go to and obviously I wasn’t invited. OK, I admit such gatherings can be a bit awkward sometimes, but now I know you are not supposed to go after other people’s food with a knife I think I can handle myself in such situations. But obviously Ben didn’t want me there. He started making excuses about everybody speaking Spanish, being boring and so. And then he finally admitted he was afraid his grandmother wasn’t going to approve of me. Yes, I know I’m a demon but you’d think people would be able to see beyond that. Apparently she has “the eye” and would see me as a demon. OK, that could be a bit awkward for Ben and me but seriously, Ben should stand up for himself and not let her tell him who he can and can’t date. Right? Since I saw our conversation was not going anywhere I decided to take matters in my hands, so to speak. Matters not internal organs!, try to resolve things with his grandmother. I introduced myself to her. Boy, that went over like a lead balloon. She clearly didn’t like me, despite the fact I’m not evil. OK, 90% non-evil but hey, that’s more than most humans, right? She was very rude to me as well. Called me a thing. Imagine that, clearly her eye wasn’t that good. And then she spit on the floor, as if to ward off evil spirits. Now that’s just silly, that doesn’t work against demons. And clearly Ben wasn’t going to stand up for himself and for us either. 

So more direct approach was required. Ben’s grandmother was doing some gardening and I thought it would be a good idea to try to settle things between us. She was afraid at first but she calmed down after a while, after I pointed out that I’m an angel. A fallen angel but angel nonetheless. We started talking about Heaven and what that is like. If I were in her place I’d ask what God is like, when he is not throwing us out of Heaven that is, but hey, if she wanted to talk about St. Peter so be it. I thought things were going really well when out of nowhere Ben and this vicious dog appeared. People underestimate Chihuahuas, I’ll tell you that. They think they are these cute, small, harmless dogs, but they can be really evil, constantly plotting against you and you should never, ever turn your back on them. Almost as evil as cats, compensating for their small size or something. Anyway, this dog attacked me and I freaked out. Turned into my demon form, as I do when startled. Boy, that didn’t end well. Grandma collapsed and I flew off before things got even worse.

 Well, things were obviously getting out of hands and I didn’t know what to do. I thought best thing would be to talk to Ben and see how things stood. I visited him at work and brought flowers for his grandmother. People love flowers. Don’t know why but they do. Anyway, he told me his grandma was getting better, which was good. Didn’t want to be responsible for her death, that would make things between me and Ben even more complicated. Ben also told me things were solved between his grandma and me. I was happy until he told me exactly what he meant. Seriously telling her he dumped me so we would continue to date secretly while his family wouldn’t know? What kind of idiotic plan was that? Didn’t he learn anything from the past, when he tried to hide my demon nature from his friends? That it always comes up and then people end up angry and that too often leads to them picking up torches and showing up at your place? I made it clear I wasn’t OK with this so-called plan of his. Well, that didn’t end up well, but things turning out not as planned was becoming sort of a routine by now. He dumped me for real, flowers or no flowers. That wasn’t good. If he thinks he can keep doing that and then expect me to take him back when he changes his mind he was wrong. Dead wrong. OK, wrong now, dead later. Last time I simply closed myself in my barn and went into eating frenzy but not this time. It was time for more drastic measures.

I like to think of myself as different than other women. Human women, just to be clear. So I do things with Ben that his other girlfriends didn’t do. Not take advantage of him, not getting him arrested and sent to jail, play fetch in my demon form, that sort of thing. It’s really rewarding when you do nice things for your partner, they give back. Unless they are demons, then they just treat you like crap no matter what. But anyway, the other night Ben set up things really nicely for us. Lit some fire to make me feel more at home, set up a bench so we were comfortable and so on. Ah, he is such a romantic soul¸ he really is. And it seems we’ve been together for two months now and he wanted to do something special. I was about to mention that deer I kept for special occasion (like this one, for example) but he immediately ruled out anything involving sacrificing animals so that wasn’t going to happen. So I suggested we go flying rather than on rodeo. I was really happy that he agreed and we’ll do this.

And since Ben is spending so much time at my place (voluntary now, thank you very much) I thought it would be a good idea to put some human furniture there so he would be more comfortable. Don’t ask me where I got it, I don’t want angry locals showing up at my place with lit torches. Look, I’m not considering career in interior design or anything, but I think it turned out quite nicely. A mattress and a comfortable chair so he can sleep more comfortably and I can watch him sleep. Yes, as a matter of fact I do that. So imagine my surprise when Ben showed up at my barn with a big board full of various pictures. I had no clue what it was about so I did what humans do in situations like this, smile, nod and try to figure what is going on. It looked like Ben wasn’t afraid of flying but of loving himself and was reluctant to fly with me because of that. Hey, don’t ask me how those things are connected, I was just smiling, nodding and trying to figure out what he was talking about. But it seemed that somehow that board gave him courage, even over confidence. I mean flying to the moon? How silly is that? Astronauts were those suits for a reason, you know.

Well, at least I thought he was ready to fly with me. What, a demon can’t be wrong sometimes? So, next day we were having a really romantic dinner on some terrace and I was ready to go when Ben backed down. Again. It wasn’t his refusal to be loved after all but good old fear of flying. I get it, first time we flew it probably wasn’t good for him but this was getting really silly. It took me quite an effort to convince him. I explained to him that only way to overcome your fear is to confront it head on. I know I sounded like one of those motivational speakers but this is actually true. But hey, at least I wasn’t wearing pink sweatpants. I told him how I overcame my fear of blood and how he must do same. Seriously, if I knew it would be this much trouble I wouldn’t have suggested flying in the first place. Or would bring extra bottle or two to dinner. But anyway, he was finally ready to fly so I acted quickly before he changed his mind once again. I changed into my demon from, grabbed him, threw him from the terrace and jumped after him. I think he liked it in the end. That is after he stopped screaming. And opened his eyes. I of course took great care not to injure him. My claws are sharp, you know. Anyway, when we landed he naturally had to have a drink but I didn’t mind. And it turns out that rodeo he was talking about wasn't rodeo at all. But it was fun anyway. Will do that again sometimes. As well as flying. A girl has to take care of her man, right?

I know, I know. I'm pretty and I drive Ben crazy but this getting out of hand. I mean, I like him a lot, but he is always there, wanting to be with me and all. I like it but it’s getting a bit hard to handle. I like spending time with him but I need some space. Not just for my impressive wingspan but for myself. I never was good with company. Sure, I hung out with fellow demons but we had a lot in common. Exchanging fun stories of tormenting souls, remembering good possessions, mayhem we caused on Earth and such. But with Ben it’s different. For one he is human and he doesn’t share my passion for ripping out internal organs. For another he keeps saying he is love. Love, huh, imagine that. I was really hoping that his talk about sex being cornerstone of relationship was his way of saying what he wanted. That I can deal with, love… not so much. Relations between different beings can be so complicated, you never know what you are walking into. Demons are predictable, you know what to expect and you get it. And shared interests make things easier. I never figured what makes human tick. I mean heart pumps the blood through their body and they die when you rip it out but why they do things they do is a mystery. And besides, I’m a demon, I’m attracted to demonish stuff. OK, evil stuff then.

I was hoping Andi would be a help, seeing how she is going out with Devil’s son and all. She did offer some advice, like being honest with Ben and telling him how I feel. That sounded so far out it might just work. Well, Ben is different than demons I’m used to date, so truth might just work. Later. I’d do it but I really didn’t want to go to that trip Sam planned for all of us. He was supposed to catch a soul or something and asked others to join him. Bad idea. Never mix work and fun, that’s what I always say. OK, it’s one thing to have fun working, like I do downstairs, but another to combine your off-time with work. Never worked so far. So I found an excuse not to join them and stayed at home. Besides I developed a craving for llamas. Do you know how hard it is to find a good llama around here? They don’t grow on trees and you have to know right people to get one. Sure you can get old and scrawny one easy but they are not any good. You feed them garlic to get them more tasty and then….. yummy.

However good the prospect of eating a llama was I started to miss Ben. He was growing on me, and I mean that in a good way. Sure he was constantly complimenting me but then again, constant compliments are nice, aren’t they? And despite him wanting to spend all the time with me this did make me feel good. So I decided to surprise him by just showing up. In retrospect I realize I should have planned things a bit more carefully. Yes, I knew there was a soul loose in the town but I thought I could handle it, I’ve been dealing with souls a long time. Yes, they can get somewhat displeased with their situation and don’t act that nice when they escape. But I am a demon and it was just a soul. Things looked quite normal when I showed up. Sure place looked empty but I’m used to big city by now so what do I know how small towns are supposed to look like. Seeing how Ben and others like to hang out at a bar I thought I should stop by one there, to see if they are in. It was empty though. I should have seen that things are not normal, normal by earth standards I mean, but I somehow missed it. Only later did I smell the bartender. He smelled of sulfur, smell I recognized from Home. But it was too late to get away, the bartender grabbed me and dragged me down.

I guess I passed out or something then because next thing I remember I was surrounded by darkness and it smelled awful. Not of sulfur, that smell is familiar and nice, but like bowel. Yes, I do know how bowel smells like, I ripped my share of them out so I am familiar with them. My skin also tingled. Not quite burning feeling, more like soft scratching. Not altogether unpleasant though. But I knew I had to get out fast. Sam was in town and this was obviously the soul he was looking for. While I could wait to exit by natural way that method is not as good as it seems. Were it just the head that would go but I’m quite attached to having my body attached to the head so that was out. But we demons have all sorts of nifty tools to use. Like teeth, claws and such, so I got to work. It took me a while to get out but I managed to do it eventually. So there I was, stuck in what looked like a mine shaft. Luckily I can see well in the dark, one of the perks of being a demon. The longer it took me to get out the more pissed off I got. No need to judge me, how would you feel in my position? So when I finally got to the entrance something hit me in the head. It didn’t hurt but I was getting really angry by then. So after being eaten by some crazy soul I’ll get pelted by various things as well? Oh no, I woun’t, not by a long shot. So I threw the thing back out and flew outside getting ready to rip something, or somebody, apart. But unfortunately Sam stopped me before the fun could begin and I could work went my frustration. He wanted the other guy to live because apparently reapers don’t kill people. Hmmm, didn’t know that but then again, what do I know about reaper business. I only figured out his plan later. He wanted him to suffer and leaving him alive would do that much more than simply killing him. And everybody says what a kind and completely non-evil person he is. Riiiiiiiight. I liked that evil streak in him. So I kissed him. No, it wasn’t a big deal. Yes, I’m with Ben but as I said earlier, Ben is not evil and demons need their dose of evil to keep sane. That’s what makes us demons, after all. But if you are thinking I’m leaving Ben for Sam you are mistaken. Besides, he is Boss’ son and he is bound to hang around and I don’t want him to see me. I’m sure you understand why. Besides, Ben is Ben and has qualities of his own, you know. He was really happy to see me then and I could tell he was worried about me. It may not be pure evil on his part but maybe I should start looking for different things in boyfriends.

You have to admit it, Boss knows his stuff. OK, his handling of The Rebellion wasn’t all that it could be but since then he had his moments. Take plastic surgery for example. One act that covers 3 deadly sins: pride, lust and envy. Pure genius, I tell you. And people today are so obsessed with their looks. I don’t get it, I really don’t. OK, it’s one thing for us demons to change form, to take on human appearance, but that is understandable, right? You can’t go walking around with horns and tail and all that. It would scare people and get them angry and we all know that angry people are likely to grab their torches and go after you. And nobody wants that, particularly us demons. For another chairs are simply not designed for creatures with tails which makes sitting while in human form much more comfortable. But beyond that I really don’t see the point of such surgery. Injecting your chest cavities with silicon? I mean it’s fun when you do it to a soul, as I’ve been known to do once or twice, but why would you want to do it to yourself when still alive?

And all this talk about sex and sexual compatibility and how this affects your relationship and all that. Seriously, don’t humans have anything better to talk about? I mean sex is fun, but so is ripping hearts out and you don’t hear me go on and on about that, now do you? And you can’t avoid it, no matter how much you try. Take for instance the other day when Ben invited me over for breakfast. I was hoping for some more of tasty human food. He promised to cook for me, which I thought was really sweet of him. So it didn’t feature beef but it was still good. And then in the middle of my meal he started doing this quiz about our sex life and intimacy. It was an ambush, I tell you. Getting my guard down while I enjoy the food then BOOM, out come the questions. It wasn’t nice of him to do that, it really wasn’t. I know we are dating and all, but seriously. I told him sex isn’t that important to me and I hoped that would be the end of it. But no, he was so persistent I did only thing I could to stop it, that is stuff my mouth with food as people consider it impolite to talk with your mouth full.

I really thought that would be the end of it and he’d get the hint but no such luck. Some time later we were back at the inn, they call them bars these days even though there were no bars I could see, enjoying our burgers when the subject came out again. OK, it was mostly my fault, I admit. I saw a demon I used to hang out with a while back and I really, really didn’t want to talk to him. So Ben started asking all sorts of questions, like who he is and such. I wasn’t thinking clearly so I told him we had a short thing and that it was purely physical. So Ben started asking about sex and all that. Again. So I stuffed my mouth full of food once more to avoid answering. Look, Ben really is a nice guy but he simply doesn’t get it. I thought maybe I was clear enough about not wanting to talk about sex but he keeps pushing and pushing. This dating thing is fun but not when it comes to this. I mean, can’t a demon get some privacy? And set some topics as off limits? I would really hate it if things would end between us the way such things ended up in the past. You know, head on a pike, internal organs ripped out, blood everywhere and the like. Your typical ending of a relationship, in other words.

And of course he just wouldn’t let go. He showed up at the barn with a bottle. I was hoping it was a nice bottle of wine we would share, but no. Apparently he asked some demon about us and humans in bed and how that works out. And it seems that demon, whoever it was, told him that we can get along just fine. I couldn’t believe it. Demons can be such chattermouths sometimes, you know. So Ben was prepared to have sex with me in my demon form. Obviously he wasn’t particulary comfortable with it, hence the bottle. It seemed to me it wasn’t the only one he bought either, if you know what I mean. He then started quoting female books and not doing a good job at it either. He went on about how sex is an essential component in a strong relationship and cornerstone of something. I had no idea what he was talking about and apparently neither did he. But that happens when you read female books. Now, if he had read some books about demonology I’d take his rant more seriously but sorry, any man who reads female books and then can’t quote them properly doesn’t know what he is doing. But anyway, he was really determined to have sex with me in my natural form, however he was just as determined to get drunk before that. Now imagine how that made me feel. I mean, if he wasn’t prepared to be with me fully and focused then why bother at all. But I also saw there was no way I could explain that to him rationally and since I had no food to stuff my mouth with I did next best thing, I flew away. It’s so not cowardice!

But I was beginning to realize that avoiding the subject was not a solution. Either Ben would continue to ask questions or get tired of it and we’d go separate ways. Neither of which was a good option. So I decided to tell him the truth. I explained to him that I lived with a human before and that he died and I was expelled from Paradise as a result. He understood then why this was such an issue for me and why I didn’t want to talk about it. It seems we are OK now and this is in the past. And since I’m no longer an angel Ben is not in danger of being killed by God and Devil doesn’t mind if we demons are with humans.

The world has changed a lot since the last time I went topside. It’s not just that air is becoming more and more like how I remember it from Hell, people have changed as well. You obviously can’t fly to where you want to go, at least not in daylight, people would notice. Walking is one way to go around but now you can also drive. Funny things, these cars, I’ll say that much. Good to travel around but not easy to operate. So many things to watch for and so many rules. You can’t tear off somebody’s head off when they cut you off, no matter how much you wish to. Don’t ask me why you can’t, I didn’t make that rule. But since I’m going to spend some time topside I have to learn some new tricks to get by. But it’s frustrating, I’ll tell you that. And the society has changed as well. I mean, in the past it was simple. Guy liked you and married you and that was that, providing you weren't out on a possession. Now they invented this whole concept of dating, which looks like you are with somebody like you are married but you are not. But it’s fun, really.

But I have Ben to keep me company. He is so sweet, really. One morning I was having a snack when he showed up, unexpectedly. Scared him a bit at first, I keep forgetting to change into my human form when he is around. And he brought me flowers, which was really sweet of him. Don’t get me wrong, I’m no vegetarian but they did look nice. I really think he likes me, as he wanted to introduce me to his friends. Yes, to Devil’s kid as well, though he was unsure how they would react to me being a demon and all that. So he proposed a cover story about us meeting at a mall buying pants and getting into a fight over last pair. I didn’t like it, it sounded so out there. I mean me at the mall? I don’t even know what that is but it’s obviously not something you eat. But anyway, he agreed that this cover story would be only for a while until his friends started to like me. I mean, what’s not to like about me? OK, besides the fact that I too often leave food lying around the barn? And that I’m a demon. Who tried to kill his friend. But besides that?

So we met at this inn or whatever they are called these days. And wow!, they serve cooked food, specially beef. Now that’s tasty. I’m used to raw food, one that is still squirming and screaming, but this is really good, specially these things called burgers. OK, the portions are small and they try to ruin the taste by all sorts of things like bread and cheese and sauce, but once you get past that it’s really good. And I knew the cover story wasn’t that good, his friends were asking all sorts of questions we had no answer for. Like where I’m from. I mean, I couldn’t tell them the truth, right? If I told them I live on the bank of Styx they would get suspicious and who knows how they would react. Luckily I saw word Kansas, whatever that is, written on somebody’s shirt and blurted out I’m from there. Obviously that is a place of some sorts so they believed me. But then I found out that Ben has been in prison, which I didn’t mind, we all made mistakes in the past and who am I to hudge, right?. But I also found out that he was married, which I did mind. I mean, you’d expect that he’d tell me that, right? You can’t build a solid relationship when such things are not out. I mean, I told him I’m a demon and that I planned on killing Sam, right? So I’m honest with him while he is keeping things from me. Didn’t like that one bit, I’ll tell you that. And I also found out you are not supposed to go for somebody’s food, even if they don’t plan on eating it. I mean, Sam said he was done with his burger so I grabbed it before anybody else would. I don’t know why everybody acted so shocked. I mean, if somebody is offering his food you have to grab it before they change their minds or before somebody else takes it. I saw how Sam’s other friend, Sock I think is his name, was eying it. So I moved fast to get it before him. Really, what’s the big deal?

But anyway, Ben was really sweet about it. And since we are doing this dating thing I thought I’d give him a little gift of my own. A geode, to be precise. OK, I may have overstated their rarity, they are in fact so common we mostly use them as paperweights. And to crush limbs of souls we torment. But it really is from home so I had to warn him about possible side effects. I still remember the fun stories a friend brought back from Ukraine when he had one with him when he went out for a possession some 20 or so years ago. And I noticed Ben still has some doubts about my true motives for dating him. I know he is used to women taking advantage of him but I’m not like that, honestly. I like to think of myself as being different from his other girlfriends. Well, I am a demon so that’s different anyhow, right?. Of course my driving skills, or lack of them to be precise, don’t help. What is with these cars anyway? What’s wrong with using horses like people used to? Easy to control and if you got hungry you simply ate it. So naturally I got in an accident and nearly hit Ben and Sam. It really was an accident, honestly. I mean, if I wanted to kill Sam why would I use a car? It’s so impersonal and it takes all the fun out of killing somebody. You miss out on that good feeling when you shove your hand in somebody’s chest, wrap your fingers around their heart, feel it beat and then you rip it out. Ahhhhhhhhhhhh……, thinking of that always makes me happy and warm inside. So really, me using a car to kill somebody? Please…… But obviously Ben didn’t believe me and got really mad at me. It was really stressful for me, I'll tell you that. There I was, just had an accident, Ben yelling at me, Sam trying to figure out what is going on so I blurted out I’m a demon. And of course one thing led to another and Ben told Sam I’m the demon who kidnapped him and Sam realized I’m the demon that tried to kill him. Boy, he couldn’t get away from me fast enough. But seriously, what was he afraid of? I could have killed him several times before. So why didn’t he see I’m not trying to do that anymore? Humans can be so judgmental sometimes, assuming the worst about you. And we are supposed to be evil and whatnot.

Which is why I was really glad when Ben called me to take me out to talk. I was really hoping we would move on, past all this suspicion and hiding things from each other. But the moment he started talking I knew something was wrong. He was all apologetic and gentle about leaving me and I almost broke down. I mean, I started to cry, right there, in front of all the people. But I understood him, he was scared of me. To be honest I wasn’t a big help in all this, telling him all sorts of demon stuff and such. It was a bad time, I can tell you that. I really didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want to kill Sam anymore so staying topside made no sense. But then again, going downstairs would mean talking to other rebels and that wouldn’t be pleasant. At all. Besides, going back downstairs isn’t as easy as it sounds, you know. You have to find a portal staffed by people who are not that eager to ask for papers and ask questions. So I did what I too often do when sad, I ate. A lot. I ate everything that was in the barn, even those bones that were starting to smell a bit already. I missed Ben, he was really sweet and all, despite being scared of me. So imagine my surprise when she showed up again. I knew he was brave, I don’t know if I would do same thing in his place. He asked for another chance and all. But I needed to scare him a bit, you know. To show him that while I forgive him he should think about me in the future. But we are good now. I don’t know if I could handle another rejection like that again.

Hell has a bad reputation. I really don’t know why. It a fun place, it really is. What do you mean it’s a fun place if you are a demon? I am a demon so it’s fun. You have so many toys, I mean souls, to play with. And new ones keep coming so when you get bored with one you can simply pick a new one, simple as that. Ever wondered what people would look like with kidneys instead of ears? So did I. I was just in the process of finding out when I heard flapping of wings behind me. I’d hear it sooner but the soul was screaming his head off and I got a bit distracted. Don’t you just love it when they do that? I know I do. So anyway, there was Bifrons, flapping his wings, trying to look important. Well, he was. Sort of. At least he thought so and kept saying it and who am I to say otherwise? He called me to his side and promptly drew a circle in the ground. Oh, so this is what he wanted to talk about, the rebellion. Seriously, did they really thought it would work? Demons were rebelling since The Fall and so far failed every time. But hey, it was fun and who doesn’t hate The Boss? So he told me of this new plan. Me and some other demon were to go topside and kill Devil’s son. Simple as that, at least he made it sound that way. So I agreed, grabbed some of my things and off we went. Going through portal was not that hard. I mean, souls were escaping all the time, you know, so if you knew the protocols and right people you got out without any troubles, even without official papers. You simply say you are going out for a possession, act surprised when there is no paperwork for it and blame it on bureaucracy for getting it lost. It happens all the time so nobody thinks it’s a big deal. Once you are topside you simply choose your human form and off you go.

So anyway, me and my partner found this abandoned barn and decided to shack up there for a while. To get some rest, to see the lay of the land, to do some recon. And to get something to eat. I don’t know what people are doing to cows these days but they are tasty. Last time I was topside they were all scrawny, hardly any meat to sink your teeth in. Now they are fat and there are so many of them so nobody would miss couple of them. We settled in and contacted our informant who was supposed to guide us to Devil’s kid. She was to trick him to come out then I would swoop in and kill him. I liked the plan, it was simple and straightforward and not many things could go wrong. One evening, I hid close to his house and waited for him to come out, which he did. Like lamb to a slaughter I thought and that made me hungry. But I had a mission and every intent of doing it so I went in. I knocked him around a bit and was just about to rip his throat out when somebody, obviously his friend, came running with a torch. A bloody torch, can you imagine that? I seriously hate those things, too many bad memories. And what do you know, he was trying to be brave, which I guess he was, and came at me with that thing. Burned my arm with it too, which hurt. A lot. You’d think that after spending millennia in Hell you’d get used to fire and flames and develop some sort of resistance to it. You do, in fact, but it still hurts, I’ll tell you that. So there I was in somebody’s back yard with my arm on fire, hurting. Yes, I panicked, I admit it. Now put yourself in my position and tell me you wouldn’t, and be honest. See? So I flew off, putting the fire out with my wings. My partner wasn’t pleased with how things turned out, but what was I supposed to do? It’s not as if I’m some professional assassin or something. So for our next move we decided to hit the Devil’s brat together, strength in numbers, cover our backs, that sort of things. I didn’t like the fact that we were doing this in daylight but hey, the sooner it was done the sooner it would be over and we’d be back downstairs.

We spotted him at some building and went in for the kill. And you wouldn’t believe what happened next. The Boss showed up, none too pleased. He quickly killed, and I mean KILLED, my partner and I decided to make myself sparse and be somewhere else. He was droning something about this one being under his protection or something but I was just trying to get away before he’d recognize me. Back at the barn I took stock of the situation and it wasn’t good. No partner, no way of knowing who our informant was and alerted target. Not good by any means. So I hid in his garage to see if I could get him when he was alone and finish the job. There was also this rabbit, white one. I thought about eating it but decided against it. You know how rabbits, while tasty by all means, go straight to your hips? Guess it’s their hormones or something so I try to eat as few of them as possible. And you’d never guess who came in to check out on that rabbit, it was kiddo’s friend, the one who liked the torch. He spotted me and ran and I was right behind him. He made it to the door but his friends didn’t let him in. Don’t know why, maybe they saw me and locked him outside so I would eat him and leave them alone. Stranger things have happened, believe me. So I grabbed him and took off. The thing you have to remember when carrying people is that they are fragile and you really have to be careful with your fangs. I mean, when you grab a cow or sheep you plan on eating later anyway it doesn’t matter, but with humans it does. So I took him to my barn and lay him down, noticing he passed out. No surprise there really, people don’t like flying. Anyway, I let him rest for a while and just tidied up the place a bit, you know, remove leftovers, swipe the floor, wash the blood, that sort of thing. To make the barn looking less like some crazy demon is living there, if you will.

Some time later he woke up, all confused, which wasn’t surprising. New surroundings, not knowing what was going on and all that. He tried to leave, naturally, taking his rabbit with him, which I kind of liked. The sooner that thing was gone the less temptation for me. And he was brave, a lot of people would simply run, leaving their pets behind, but not him. So I walked over, scaring him, naturally. I was all apologies about what he did, about my arm, giving me advice on how to make it better. So I could smell the fear on him, demons are good at these things. But he was kind of cute and had nice eyes. They are really the windows to the soul. So I told him that, surprising him. I guess he expected I’ll eat him then and there. But I calmed him down a bit and we got to talk. Surprised? I mean, me talking to a human about all sort of trivial things. But he was really sweet and once he realized I’m not going to eat him he really started to open up. I learned he was single, which was good since I hate sharing, and when I asked him if he wanted to meet me again, under different, better circumstances, he was all for it. So I let him go, and off he and his rabbit went.

I met him again that same night, I thought the sooner the better, so neither of us would change our minds. Seeing how I’m going to stay topside for a while why not make my stay more pleasant? But I saw he was still worried that I had some secret agenda, trying to get him to help me kill Devil’s kid. I might do that later, but for now it’s just fun. Everybody deserves some time off, don’t you think?